Philoillogica

Sure, but after you inhale, your boobs hurt

Abby: "...so if you want to grow pot, you plant birth control pills.  The female buds are the ones you smoke, so you want to grow more of those you need to release estrogen into the soil.  My mother told me that."

And that's what you call "character development"

Incredulous Poet: "...finish it for Monday.  What are you doing today?"

Sarah: "I'm off at a conference.  That's why I'm dressed so foppishly."

Incredulous Poet: <looks incredulous>

Sarah: "MORE foppish than usual, I mean."

First cup of coffee of the day

Abby: "...because men are very visual that way.  I mean, that's the whole thing about a blowjob, right? 'The best part is watching her.'  It's like, 'Really? 'Cause if that's how you really feel, I can just mime it.'"

"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."*

Sarah: "...so I got lost."

Mom: "You're getting too academic, you realize."

Sarah: "Oh, come on.  It has nothing to do with academics."

Mom: "You can't read a map."

Sarah:  "No, it's not just maps.  I have difficulty comprehending networked systems."

Mom: "This is exactly it.  Nobody else would say 'I have difficulty comprehending networked systems.' I mean really, who says that!?!

Sarah: "Well, me."

Mom: "Exactly.  Too academic."

*Groucho Marx

Stranger still

I finally got new glasses yesterday, plunging myself headlong into that reeling vertigo of visual orchestra that accompanies bringing one's eyesight back up to 20/20.  I spent the day blearily peering out at the world with the bewilderment of a tourist, gorging myself on all the details that had gradually fallen out of my field of vision.  I could see leaves on trees again, and read street signs for blocks, aching with the recognition of crisp lines and sharp edges that I hadn't seen for at least a year. 

It's amazing the way we can get used to not seeing the things we know are there.  What was once a tree gradually becomes a green lump; faces across a subway platform merge into a mass of humanity; the streets become a blend of sooty grey.  In distance, movement and colour become all that you can see - and then that too fades away.  Bit by bit, the world closes around you like an eyelid, leaving you to see only that in your immediate vicinity.

When I was waiting for a bus to take me home last night, I was reminded of just how myopic I've allowed myself to become. 

I've been reading Bill Bryson's The Lost Continent, and had it face down on a bench while I rummaged through my purse.  A woman sat down beside me and lightly touched its cover. 

"Is that about Africa?"

I looked up into the oldest eyes I've ever seen.  They were sad and they were kind, and they were fierce and weary all at once.  At first, I thought she was a nun.

"No.  It's a book by an American who'd moved to Britain after high school.  He returns to the States for a road trip, trying to find the America of his childhood.  It's pretty funny."

She sighed, and immediately I felt like an asshole.  Why wasn't I reading a book about Africa?

The woman took a crumpled piece of newspaper out of one of the bags she was carrying, and smoothed it on the bench.  She sighed again. 

"Long day?" I asked. 

She turned and I saw the lace on her hajib.  Not a nun, then.

"The longest."

She stuffed the newspaper back into her bag.  Meeting my gaze, her eyes locked around mine with such force I couldn't have looked away even had I wanted to. I could see each lash fringing her beautiful eyes. Ecstasy, I thought.

Our eye-beams twisted, and did thread
    Our eyes upon one double string.

So to engraft our hands, as yet
    Was all the means to make us one ;
And pictures in our eyes to get
    Was all our propagation.

As, 'twixt two equal armies, Fate
    Suspends uncertain victory,
Our souls—which to advance their state,
    Were gone out—hung 'twixt her and me.                          

And as my soul hung there, suspended, I finally opened my eyes for the first time in years and saw.

"Don't go to shelters," she said.  "Keep a roof over your head.

"And don't be abused by men.  What happened tonight..."

"Are you alright?"

"Yes, thank God. But I must go now."

She stood up.  I couldn't break her gaze.  She was leaving.

"Have a good life," she said.  And she meant it.  "Go in peace."

When she turned her face away from mine, I had to shut my eyes and cement it in my memory.  I didn't want it to fade away like so much else I see. 

And when I opened them again, she was gone.

Practical Federalism

Sarah: "Can I drive my car with a temporary Ontario plate in New Brunswick?"

Random member of New Brunswick public service: "I don't know. What does Quebec say?"

Creative use of scarves, and channeling the second wave

Sarah: "Well, what do you think?"

Sandor: "It's interesting.  Kinda bondage-y, though."

Sarah: "Well, I just didn't feel like putting a bra on, and I thought - "

Sandor: "You wanted more support?"

Sarah: "Nah.  I'm a feminist.  I don't need any support."

Titillating moment between sisters

Ashley: "Hang on, we have to wait for Kyra."

Sarah: "Who's Kyra?"

Ashley: "My friend from high school.  You've met her."

Sarah: "Is she the one with the blondish hair, very pale?"

Ashley: "Big boobs? Yeah."

Sarah: "That's right.  Because I index your friends according to their cup size."

Ashley: "Why not? It's what I do."

Dream, after learning in a footnote to Dr Faustus that the devil has a forked penis

"Start with the one on the right," he said.

You can make a living from analytical bibliography, but I wouldn't call it a life

Passing moment in a graduate level seminar:

Professor: "Evidence from 20 years research points to systemic problem with unsystemic methodologies.  Thoughts?"

Tedious PhD student from away: "Big-name editorial theorist."

Equally tedious native PhD student: "Big-name manuscript scholar."

Tedious PhD student from away: "Point of clarification to Big-name manuscript scholar."

Equally tedious native PhD student: "Point taken.  Regardless.  Big-name manuscript scholar.  Evidence from fellowship with said scholar."

Tedious PhD student from away: "Flaw with reasoning.  Equally valid conclusion derived from same evidence."

Equally tedious native PhD student: "Dismissed by 2nd Big-name manuscript scholar.  Plea for practicality owing to no other alternative."

Tedious PhD student from away: "ELECTRONIC TEXTUALITY! ELECTRONIC TEXTUALITY!" <sings the TEI theme song>.

Native MA student: "Elementary point about textuality.  Series of easily answered questions directed at professor."

<Tedious PhD student from away and Equally tedious native PhD student poke each other with pencils and furiously underline footnotes in class handouts and thrust them across the table>.

Professor: "Skillfully answered series of questions reveals no hard-and-fast answer. Thoughts?"

Tedious PhD student from away: "2nd Big-name editorial theorist.  Paradigm shift."

Equally tedious native PhD student: "Defense of former scholarship prior to paradigm shift.  Plea for tradition and consistency.  Practicality.  Economic theory.  Bottom line.  Ease of use."

Tedious PhD student from away: "3rd Big-name editorial theorist.  Economic theory taken to extremes.  End-user considerations.  Feminism."

Equally tedious native PhD student: "Feminism?"

Professor: "Feminism.  Freudian analysis.  Series of interesting facts suggested by copious data.  Time for a break."