Some of you may be wondering why I haven't posted much lately, beyond the odd flippant remark or link. It's because I have a new man in my life.
Let me introduce y'all to Grant. Even though he doesn't look like much, comes from rather indifferent parentage and plays notoriously hard-to-get, he's the most desirable man I've ever met. You see, the thing about Grant is his faithfulness. If you can get him to notice you, he'll stick around for at least three years, maybe even four, if you have a young, lithe body and promise him imprintible children. He's also a major player, and through his connections, you can get access to all kinds of fancy clubs and front-of-the-line service. Oh yeah, he's loaded, too, and never, ever asks his ladies to sign a pre-nup. Grant's truly a catch.
Consequently, I've been spending all my free time lately trying to catch Grant's eye. But it's not easy - there's so many other ladies all vying for some of his attention, and some of them are much prettier than me, and so much more experienced in these affairs of the heart. Over the past month, it's became clear that all my usual tricks - the prolonged eye contact, the hand on the forearm, that thing where I remember a seemingly insignificant personal detail and make reference to it weeks later - were just not going to cut it in this calibre of meat market. I needed to learn some new material. Fast.
Making matters worse, the department was all but functioning as my pimp - they kept throwing me in Grant's direction, and suggesting all kinds of things I could do to make him find me more attractive. "Talk about things that interest him," they'd say. "Nobody wants to talk to a pretentious ass, no matter how well-connected their supervisor is." They even went so far as to organize workshops where groups of us who'd never yet attracted Grant's attention could commiserate and discuss strategy: "he likes women who know what they want - I'm going to try being very bold and direct and see what happens."
I even went to a workshop with one of his family members, who offered the choice tidbit that Grant "doesn't like women who just lay there. Try taking a very active role, and you should please him."
Needless to say, it has been a very busy month. I've tweaked and pinched and tweezed and dyed and fluttered and pranced and winked and whispered sweet nothings and let myself get a reputation and asked former lovers for references. I have spared nothing in my quest to nail Grant. Now it is all up to him.
It's good to be back. Let the games begin.
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