Thank you ever so much for your unsolicited commentary last week, in attempting to influence the outcome of Canada's implementation of democratic practice. It was very generous of you to use your BushCo. sufferage wisdom to warn your simple neighbours to the North of the dangers implicit in anything that smacks of the right wing, even though your shallow grasp of the differences between our two countries meant that you still haven't figured out that even Stephen Harper Tories are more left-leaning than John Kerry democrats.
No, no - I didn't really think it was self-aggrandizing (at least not more self-aggrandizing than anything you do, Mike, which really gives you a lot of leeway for inflated self-importance). I just really felt the love, you know? I assume I was supposed to feel the love, since you make a point of saying that you love us, us "crazy cold wonderful neighbors to my north." And we love you too, Mike, if by love you mean "engage with in a superficial and cursory way".
See, because as much as I want to believe that you're really interested in our country, and as much as you caveat your chidings with claims that you're not belittling our nation ("Far be it from me, as an American, to suggest what you should do. You already have too many Americans telling you what to do."), I just can't seem to shake the idea that you view Canada as some sort of democracy theme park for 'left-wing' (I mean the way you use the term, as a knee-jerk anti-Bush adjective) Americans to visit on the weekends and make inane banter with the locals about how great our health care system is and why we should be thankful.
It's stuff like you ending your letter with "Don't ever change." that really burns me, as if Canada's some sort of pristine, socially-liberal hinterland which requires the monitoring of earnest American park rangers like yourself to save us from your nefarious fellows, those Uzi-and-chastity-belt-carting poachers.
See, we've been awfully busy up here for a long time, Mike, and we're doing a pretty good job of it. While we're only a tenth the size of you lot, we've got a lot of policies like the Charter of Rights and Freedoms intrinsically woven into our national identity that prevent us from ever becoming mounted and stuffed as a White House trophy - no matter who's PM. Canadians don't actually want to become any more like y'all than we already are, but seeing as we are bedfellows with the 300 million of you, it would be nice if we could be governed by someone who speaks your language to tell you to stop kicking us while we're sleeping. And maybe convince you people to get one of those snore-guard things, because, well, you're LOUD.
So thanks, Mike, for reminding me that you're just as reactionary and overweening as ever. I'd nearly forgotten you existed, and it's nice to know that you're still enthusiastically sticking pins into the fleshy bits of your detractors. What's great about you is your consistency, you know?
Just do me a favour (that's favoUr, remember) - don't ever change, okay?