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"A gay time was had by all", and other precious homo puns

I bought skim milk the other day with a sticker on it that says "Tastes like homo!"

It was pretty good.

I only bring this up because there's a story circulating the web at the moment that should hit the wingnuts in a few hours and let them get all blustery and gesticulate firmly about the "problems" of gay marriage. 

Remember gay marriage? That was SO three weeks ago. 

See, two STRAIGHT Canadian guys have decided to get married.  Now straight guys get married every day, so this really isn't all that unusual, but since they've decided to marry each other, the papers have gotten involved. 

Bill Dalrymple, 56, and best friend Bryan Pinn, 65, have decided to take the plunge and try out the new same-sex marriage legislation with a twist -- they're straight men.

"I think it's a hoot," Pinn said.

The proposal came last Monday at a Toronto bar amid shock and laughter from their friends. But the two -- both of whom were previously married and both of whom are looking for a good woman to love -- insist that after the humour subsided, a real issue lies at the heart of it all.

"There are significant tax implications that we don't think the government has thought through," Pinn said.

Now, getting married for the tax benefits is by no means unique to same-sex couples - I know many straight couples who've tied the knot for the practical financial and insurance reasons - but it's interesting that it takes two straight guys deciding to wed to bring the issue of inequities for singles to the fore. 

Anyone who works in insurance will tell you that singles fund the lion's share of benefits that are offered to couples and families at a discount, and insurance companies' dogged insistence on marriage as the sole determinant of "family" limits the benefits of alternative living arrangements.

Son living with his mother? Can't insure her as his dependent as cheaply or easily as he could a wife or child, even if he's financially supporting her to the exact same extent.  Same problem for sisters who live together and want to share one's benefit plan.  Not married?  Sorry - you can't do that, because the only series of relationships we value in this country are those found in a nuclear family: parent-child, spouse-spouse.

That said, I fail to see how Dalyrimple and Pinn's marriage (because it would be that, regardless of their motivations for pursuing it) would do much to spark debate on the issue - by getting married for the benefits, they'd simply endorse the privileged position of marriage, as they are entitled to benefits under the law regardless of who they married.  It makes no difference that they're two straight guys - the only difference that same-sex marriage makes is that it allows a same-sex couple to work the system in the same way that a hetero couple has always been able to do.

But, because we're talking about same-sex marriage, the newsies have naturally given their coverage typical punny headlines to get a chuckle and totally obscure the issue:

A gay time for straight couple

Queer aisle for straight guys

But wait.  We're not talking about queers, we're talking about straight men using same-sex marriage legislation to their advantage.  Oh, well.  They're just trying to *ahem* get a rise out of the reader, right?   And what better way to do it than suggest some hot guy-on-guy action?  Nobody'd read an article with an informative, non-sensational headline like Straight men say 'I Do'  to tax breaks, or Two straight Canadian blokes to marry, right?

Ooops.  Did I say non-sensational?   I guess I spoke too soon:

Indeed, the pair want to "shed light on the widespread financial implications of the new [gay marriage] legislation and are willing to take it all the way".

Well, not quite all the way, because there will be no consummation of this particular union. The two have, though, checked that there are "no laws in marriage that define sexual preference".

Sigh.  Apparently people are expected to care not only about who sticks what into whom, but whether or not they DON'T stick what into whom.   Because you can't talk about men and same-sex marriage unless you make a passing reference to sodomy. 

I'm gonna go have some more cereal.

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

The worst come-on anyone has ever said to me is, "You look like the sort of girl I wouldn't mind having bear my children someday."

Gee, thanks, Romeo.  That makes my heart all a-twitter.  You wouldn't mind if I transformed your thirty second sperm donation into living flesh and bone with my own body? Aren't you just the sweetest?  Let's go into this broom closet and get it on.  I love it when a) I'm called a "girl" b) reduced to my breeder bits as a determinant of my inherent value and c) indicated as an ambivalent choice. 

So I have absolutely no sympathy for Quebec radio host  Sylvain Bouchard, who's currently enduring a CRTC investigation over his sexist on-air comments on Michaëlle Jean's appointment to Governor-General:

"Michaëlle Jean has always been in my fantasies,” he said. “She is the type of girl you dream about who has lots of class — just until she goes to bed, then she no longer has class.

“Imagine with her nice voice, talking dirty. ‘I like when you...'”

I'm not crazy about the CRTC in general, but they seem to have all the practical effect of an itchy bumhole, a perfect irritant for a patent twit such as Bouchard, who tried to defend himself by claiming he was trying to compliment Jean.

Right.  Because she sidelines as a phone sex operator and could use the publicity for her "nice voice, talking dirty", you'd thought you'd do her a favour, right?

Hat tip to Dave.

*

Update: for those of you feeling good about Canada's choice in G-G appointment, check out the comments on the CBC Viewpoint thread for some wingnuttery of our very own.  Suffice to say, we're a long way from shedding the "Great White [Anglo] North" vision of Canuck utopia.  Apparently having two Governor-Generals from Quebec in a single century pisses off the West.  Oh, and apparently anything that doesn't have an "I eat Alberta beef" sticker on its forehead also pisses off the West.  Jeebus. 

 

Monday morning bile rising

Now that I don't take vomit-inducing birth control pills every morning, I'm always looking for a way to facilitate my morning purge.  It keeps me looking peaky with that elegant dewy sheen that Revlon's always on about.  This morning I was delighted to find this article by The Windsor Star that did the job quite nicely:

Saumil Desai isn't afraid to admit it.

He wants a babe -- specifically, a babe who looks a lot like Angelina Jolie.

"She's fabulous." Desai's lips break into a broad smile as he lists the actress's attributes. "She's not only sexy, she has a playful, mischevious [sic] look, like a trickster."

"I think she presents a real challenge." Desai is still smiling.

Jolie is the "perfect woman" and the standard by which he measures all others.

Barfing yet? Saumil Desai is the lead in "Sexy stars raise men's expectations", yet-another exercise in blame-the-women-for-men's-failings, the new fun and easy workout routine from our friends at Patriarchy Inc ("We put the phallus in fabulous!").  Apparently a study by Top Sante magazine reveals that 80% of women feel that the way they are perceived by men is distorted by the omnipresence of perfect celebrity bodies.

Saumil is just a beacon in a sea of men's displeasure with women's squishy, stinky, lumpy bodies, and thankfully he's seen fit to let us all know what he's looking for in a mate, engaging in that crucial form of appearance-based sexual selection that evolution has decreed is men's exclusive right. 

"For women," our vomit-inducing hero tells us, "looks aren't as important as they are to men. What matters more is personality, what a man does professionally and how he treats her."

Gee, since Saumil has discovered that we women put so much weight on what they do "professionally", he must be a super catch, right? A doctor, maybe? Or a civil rights lawyer?  Did you guess rocket scientist? Children's librarian? Hospice volunteer? Group home administrator? Daycare worker?   And since his ideal woman is Angelina Jolie, his real-life girlfriend must be amazingly hot, right?  To live up to those standards?

Well, no.

"I believe that's why I don't have a girlfriend right now," says the 21-year-old business administration student at the University of Windsor. "All these standards I expect to be met. With women out there, I have criteria on which I judge them -- their appearance, the way they speak, move and the people they hang around with.

"I'm extremely picky."

Right.  'Cause you're gonna reel in the ladies with that business admin degree, sweetheart.  Or with your control-freak, sociopathic tendencies.  Women are just falling all over themselves looking for men who'll tell them who their friends can be, and how they can move.  Nothing gets us hotter than some guy to tell us when and how to speak, and the right way to bend over to pick up your dropped remote control. 
   
While Saumil himself is certainly barf-worthy, I hurled again when I noticed the way Windsor Star writer Grace Macaluso structured her article, making sure she covered the more serious side of this whole patriarchy thing by noting that these kinds of attitudes are *gasp* a problem.

After decades of struggling to be accepted for their intellect rather than their appearance, women believe that cosmetically enhanced celebrities and airbrushed images are reversing their fortunes, not boosting them.

WHAT?  You mean the systemic objectification of women as lovely objects to be admired hasn't been working out for us? When did that start happening? I was so certain that looking prettier for my boss was the key to corporate success, and surely, if I could base my entire being on looking remotely like Jessica Simpson, well, that would enable me to become General Electric's youngest CEO ever, wouldn't it?  It wouldn't? Women are supposed to know stuff now?  Use our intellects?  And this attempt to has been going on for, what, DECADES?  [ed. Queen Elizabeth I and Mary Wollstonecraft along with a host of others have just been obliterated from history folks, check that out.]

But hey, Macaluso managed to redeem herself by interviewing one of them "feminist" broads, the real kind from one of those *snort* woman's studies programmes, who ends up saying that this sort of behaviour by men isn't all that bad:

While the survey's findings don't surprise feminists like Anne Forest, director of Women's Studies at the University of Windsor, they say men's expectations aren't necessarily to [sic] high, but too particular.

"The so-called epitome of female beauty is bounded by culture, age and race," says Forest. "It's an ideal that would be difficult for any woman, particularly for women of different cultures and race."

Now wait a minute.  Forest certainly claimed that standards of female beauty are too particular, but she certainly didn't dismiss the "too high" claim.  But anyway, who cares about accuracy, when really, everybody knows that women just judge men too, so none of it really counts as sexism at all.

See? This random guy seems to think so:

But, Kyle Baptista, a 21-year-old environmental engineering student, says "it works both ways."

"Women are also affected by media images -- not only of the perfect woman, but of the perfect man."

Aha!  See?!? Women are just as awful!   Quick, Grace Macaluso, find a quote to back that up!

Just ask Izzy Azenabor, a 20-year-old business administration student. Hunky Shemar Moore of the soap opera Young and the Restless is worthy of her lust.

"I love his height, his skin tone, his facial features, his acting," says Azenabor. "He's just perfect. I guess everyone has an ideal."

Whew.  That was close.  You nearly did some responsible journalism for a second there.  You might as well celebrate by offering as a truism a statement that really deserves closer examination:

"In real life, men aren't that fussy. What you're attracted to is one thing, what you settle for is another."  And, "smart men will know that women will settle for whatever they get."

Flush.

Wondering...

...if, had the newly appointed Governor-General been a man, the National Post would've seen fit to print a picture of him at the age of three on the front page, under the heading "Future Viceroy":

Npfutureviceroy
Somehow, I don't think they would've found such condescension appropriate, do you?

Nor would they find it necessary to quote an (unidentified, of course) "friend" of the new G-G claiming that "Ms. Jean only had relationships with white men" - because, you see, such information might be construed as, OH, inappropriate, speculative and slanderous.

If, of course, we were talking about a man. 

But it is WOMEN that the National Post concerned itself with this weekend, letting us know on A3 that Marilyn Monroe faked orgasms ("Speaking of Oscars, I would win overwhelmingly if the Academy gave an Oscar for faking orgasms.  I have done some of my best acting convincing my partners I was in the throes of ecstasy"), and on A8 that the proper identification of a woman who unfortunately died young is "mother", because that's more tragic than just a regular, not-breeding sort of woman's death.  We were taught that the "high-society wives" in Toronto's Rosedale neighborhoods are warming up to $300 plastic topiaries, because they're, like, so fake anyway:

"A lot of people will come in and say, 'I couldn't possibly do it,' " says Rivers Reid, co-owner of Blossoms Rosedale, which has sold the plastic plants to the likes of Ben Mulroney and Roots co-founder Don Green as well as countless high-society wives. "Meanwhile, they have fake nails and fake boobs."


Get it? GET IT?!? They're, like, FAKE women, because they've got FAKE BITS on their bodies!  THAT means that if they don't like FAKE PLANTS, they're HYPOCRITES! It also makes them FAKE ORGASMS!  Women are FAKE!  Or they're liars!  Get it?!?

Have you paid attention? That was an important story. It was the back cover of the front page, on A20, which means that it was NEWS.  The stuff in the rest of the paper isn't really news, so there's more stuff about REAL women there.  Let's see:

Susan Hiller offers the third article in a four-part series about returning to work after a year's maternity leave.  What does she cover, you ask? The overstretched feeling of being pulled between her working life and her home life?  Frustration over being the default parent?  A tirade about the insufficiency of daycare or alternative work arrangements or the rarity of media coverage on paternal responsibility?

No.  We get another article on "mommy brain", that catch-all phrase that allows men and women alike to dismiss the stresses placed upon new mothers as some kind of hormonal change that they'll eventually grow out of. 

Feeling frazzled? No, it has nothing to do with the fact that you've just worked all day after staying up all night nursing a squirmy, teething infant - it's MOMMY BRAIN!

Lose something? No, it has nothing to do with the fact that you're trying to juggle not only your own stuff but the multitude of ubiquitous baby gear that Sears, Parenting magazine and Mothering.com say you need in order to give your offspring the best chance in life - it's MOMMY BRAIN!

Think it's Wednesday on Thursday?  No, that's not a common or genuine mistake - it's MOMMY BRAIN! 

Why normalize your behaviour as having a practical and obvious cause, when you can blame your hormones and sex?  It's quick, easy and painless.  Oh, don't worry about those childless feminists who have the time to criticize normative language use and its effect on women, they can be easily dismissed with one of those "when I was a feminist"-type statements:


The term is not one I would have used before I got pregnant.  I, like all good feminists, assumed the alleged condition was a cliche made up by a male obstetrician.  These days, however, I freely admit to being a total spaz...I may be offending Ellison and the sisterhood in general, but my friends and I throw around the term "mommy brain" all the time (in Britain, they call it porridge brain).  Far from demeaning, it's a handy excuse for the occasional lapse.

Ah.  See how good that feels?  Blame the hormones, blame your sex, blame evolution.  But God forbid you blame your husband or the forty-hour work week or patriarchy.  Remember, this is the REAL women part of the paper, and REAL women don't point fingers at anything other than themselves.  That's why the REAL women part of the paper has chatty little 800 word articles by other REAL women that end on chipper, self-deprecating notes like,


For now, I will continue to forget to bring a photo to daycare to affix to the family board.  At this rate, Lucy will soon be able to, uh ... wait a second, I can't remember where I was going with this thought.   Mommy brain!

Uh, right.

Anyway, we learn from Deidre McMurdy that try as they might, women folk just can't manage "do it yourself" beauty maintenance at the cottage, because our bodies are too complicated for that kind of haphazard upkeep.  Why one would feel it necessary to pluck, primp, polish, paste, prep, prime and pretty up body parts when one is surrounded by dirt and bugs is a valid question, but McMurdy waves it away with a simple dismissal of that old boring chestnut, social conditioning:

Stubble may be acceptable for terrorists and male models, but women have been conditioned to view it as the human equivalent of vetch, a scourge to be zapped on sight.

Damn that conditioning.  So debilitating.  But that's enough of THAT.  Nobody wants to read about social conditioning that forces women to question their bizarre commitment to hairlessness, even in a situation where hair might actually be useful.  Anyway, such an article might detract from the simpering chattiness that we know REAL women prefer - and who can cram a critique of patriarchal beauty standards in 800 words anyway? [ed. My new fantasy girlfriend Twisty Faster can, but whatever] It's much better to be trite and chipper, and suggest that whatever women attempt in their quest for beauty, they'll fail miserably:

Let's not even discuss the fact that if you take all the prescribed measures to protect your steamed, creamed, exfoliated skin from the sun's death rays, you'll be mistaken for Norma Desmond at the feedstore.

Hah-HAH!  Funny, right?  Anyway, why care about what Deirdre McMurdy says when one can read the work of Anne Kingston instead?  Kingston (who, because she's a woman and writes about women, is buried in the REAL women section, right beside the etiquette column and beneath a filler piece on the new Ikea catalogue) does some dismantling of the Vogue "Age Issue" out this month.

Now I don't read Vogue, but I'm hardly surprised.  Apparently a fashion magazine touting the virtues of aging is somewhat hypocritical, sandwiching articles on "hot at 70!" between ads for Botox and wrinkle cream.  It's a good, if simple, article that is thankfully accompanied by lots of pictures of attractive women so that I can understand that it is something I should concern myself with.

Because, you see, we're visual, us women.  We like to see pictures of ourselves, or else we might be forced to read all of those sticky wordy bits that try to tell us stuff, and it would just be terrible if articles took longer to read than it takes to fake an orgasm.  I've got stuff to do, like become hairless and feel inferior about my breast size, or distress over the dating habits of our new Governor-General, who was such a cutie-patootie when she was a little nipper.  I could just eat her right up. Thanks, National Post!   

Blog round-up: like a fruit roll-up but less sticky

Discovered: Literally, A Web Log, devoted to tracking abuse of the word "literally" in the media.

On a review of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory:

The movie is literally so visually rich in every frame that it’s sometimes like an queasy-making overstuffed candy box.

How many ways can we deemphasize what we are erroneously trying to say?

  • It’s literally a candy box (Incorrrect)
  • It’s literally like a candy box (Unnecessary)
  • It’s literally sometimes like a candy box (Really unnecessary)

It's literally snort-worthy. 

In the same vein is Apostrophe Abuse, glorious for things like this:

Wants_to_eat_your_pussy


In Agreement:
I was going to write about the excellent article in Harper's by Bill McKibben, "The Christian Paradox", but the newly "Ph-u-Dded" Dorcasina got to it first.  Essentially, McKibben discusses the bizarre conflict at the heart of Christian America which purports to follow Jesus' teachings while ignoring the crucial New Testament decree of "Love thy Neighbour":

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

And yet,

In 2004 [. . .] we ranked second to last [. . .] among developed countries in government foreign aid [. . . .] And it's not because we were giving to private charities for relief work instead. Such funding increases our average daily donation by just six pennies, to twenty-one cents. It's also not because Americans were too busy taking care of their own; nearly 18 percent of American children lived in poverty (compared with, say, 8 percent in Sweden). In fact, by pretty much any measure of caring for the least among us that you want to propose—childhood nutrition, infant mortality, access to preschool—we come in nearly last among the rich nations, and often by a wide margin. The point is not just that (as everyone already knows) the American nation trails badly in all these categories; it's that the overwhelmingly Christian American nation trails badly in all these categories, categories to which Jesus paid particular attention.

McKibben traces the odd brand of Christianity practiced by many Americans to a preoccupation with the Book of Revelations and a desire to predict the coming of the end of the world.  Such preoccupations with the next world, Dorcasina points out, allow Christians to ignore the suffering and inhumanity of this one:

But as McKibben notes, a Christian scrutiny of the world does not lead to a particular concern with doing good in that world. In fact, the obsession with the state of one's own soul leads too frequently to a disdain for the problems of those around us. And, in both its late Puritan and contemporary American incarnations, it manifests in a self-absorbed desire for material goods as the index of one's spiritual state.


Excellent reading.  Check out McKibben's Harper's article too.

Bandwagon:
Not that she needs any of my trackbacks, being widely heralded as the greatest thing since Lilith, but Twisty Faster over at I Blame the Patriarchy has a great takedown of that supposedly innovative Dove campaign featuring women with perfect skin, teeth, hair, nails and cunts:

As “radical” as it seems that they have used images of awkward pretty girls rather than of sophisticated, haggard drug addicts with lips like raw liver, Dove has not dismantled patriarchy. No. What they’ve done is, they’ve sold butt cream.

Check it out: in our society, a chick in her underwear, regardless of body mass, exists for one of two purposes: to make money for some male-dominated butt-cream entity, or for the pleasure of the male voyeur. Cosmetics companies can set themselves up as dispensers of self-esteem, they can even tell you that pictures of size 10 women in underwear are empowering you, but they are fucking lying in order to sell you stuff. That’s because in our society all women are sex objects, whether they agree to it or not, until they are too old to make money or excite boners when shown in their underwear, and then god help’em.

Sigh.  BitchPhD has been knocked down a peg.  My heart belongs to Twisty. 


I knew it.

Readhead_1

The Roots of Desire: The Myth, Meaning, and Sexual Power of Red Hair
by Marion Roach

A redhead rarely goes unnoticed in a crowded room. From Judas Iscariot to Botticelli's Venus to Julianne Moore, redheads have been worshipped, idealized, fetishized, feared, and condemned, leaving their mark on us and our culture. Such is the power of what is actually a genetic mutation, and in The Roots of Desire, Marion Roach takes a fascinating look at the science behind hair color and the roles redheads have played over time.

They leave socks in the bathroom, that's what.  "Genetic mutation", eh?  So THAT explains the addiction to Pimp my Ride.

She discovers that in Greek mythology, redheads become vampires after they die;

Until which point, they simply suck back DQ blizzards with terrifying stealth, and always in the middle of the night.

Hitler banned intermarriage with redheads for fear of producing "deviant offspring";

A wise choice - I can only imagine Pimp my Stroller.

women with red hair were burned as witches during the Inquisition;

Sure, but they made such a nice crackling sound.

in Hollywood, female redheads are considered sexy while male redheads are considered a hard sell;

Two words: Ron Howard.  <shudder>

in the nineteenth century, it was popular belief that redheads were the strongest scented of all women, smelling of amber and violets.

Now this is just plain wrong.  My redhead smells like toothpaste, and the souls of the damned.

Redheads have been stereotyped, marginalized, sought after, and made to function as everything from a political statement to a symbol of human carnality.

Fine, Abby, YOU can be Lilith at our "Temptation" party. But only because your very being signifies your corrupting influence on unsuspecting pillars of innocent human flesh.

And because you're a redhead.

Author-ity, or, listen to me because I have an MA, or, how the *&#$ should I know?

Sometime over Christmas break, my family was making chitter-chatter over sausage rolls and Al Pacino's version of The Merchant of Venice came up. 

"Well, Sarah?" asked my cousin.  "What should we think about it?"

I spent a glorious moment staring pensively, masticating a piece of shortbread and reveling in the fact that somebody actually thought me qualified to offer a "professional opinion" on something. When your days are spent making photocopies of other people's work, other people who managed to say it first and oh-so-much-better than you ever could, that is, when you're not wading through drippish swamps of footnotes and thanklessly slogging through tome after tome of masturbatory literary theory, you begin to feel fairly insignificant, as if your future has taken on the sheen of your carrel window and you're destined to never publish anything outside of your department's grad journal.

After my last marriage proposal to that fiendishly fickle Grant was rejected after the bastard seductively led me on for months, my supervisor pulled me aside.  "You're going to feel like you're a big idiot," he said.  "You will question why you're even bothering, and feel like the stupidest person alive."

"This is your way of comforting me?!?"

"Listen to me.  Everybody feels this way when they're doing a PhD.  Everybody swings from glee to despair.  For every two steps forward, you take one step back.  It happens. But you keep going."

So I tongued that shortbread into a thick paste and stared my cousin down, knowing full well that it was highly likely I was about to say something idiotic. 

"Well?"

"Al Pacino's not Jewish."

"So?"

"Well, he's obviously trying to make some kind of point, because modern versions of Merchant are always trying to prove something-or-other.  Non-Jews can't deal with the play without offering all kinds of caveats to explain or excuse its anti-Semitism, desperately trying to redeem either Shylock or Shakespeare."

At least, that's what I remember saying.  I think my cousin would argue that I just mumbled and sprayed crumbs into his wine.  It was almost eight months ago, and I've had a lot of wine of my own since then. 

My memory of that conversation may be pretty fuzzy, but I do know that the following is true:

1) In any discussion of Shakespeare, everybody claims to be an expert, and

2) If the Shakespeare in question is The Merchant of Venice, this omnipresent "expert" Shakespearean knowledge that everybody who's ever taken a university-level English course claims to have is immediately fused with our equally omnipresent post-colonial political correctness.

Witness what's going on in the comments thread at Pendragon.  Amanda responded to a post at Lance Mannion's blog where he was trying to make the case that Merchant can no longer "be played" as an anti-Semitic play because

what has changed is that we do not automatically associate Jewishness with villainy of any sort, including usury---in fact, we are inclined to treat a character's Jewishness as a sign of special sympathy.  But also we don't automatically identify with "Christian" characters.  Just the opposite.  We're more inclined to see a character's flaunted Christianity as a sign of his untrustworthiness if not his out and out villainy.

Lance's basic take - and I don't agree - is that because Shylock is sympathetic to the audience and somebody like Antonio is, by today's standards, a racist, the play can't be anti-Semitic to its modern viewers.

Of course by we here I mean educated theater-going audiences in the United States.  There are plenty of audiences in the world, plenty here, whose views aren't much more progressive than those of the groundlings* in Shakespeare's day and for whom the play will always be anti-Semitic.

Well, unsurprisingly, Amanda - and a lot of other people - didn't like this

Ah, this entire argument pains me because I am sympathetic to people who want so badly for such a beautiful play not to be anti-Semitic. But I have to go forth and say that there's no doubt about it. The character is a wretched stereotype and I think on a certain level the audience just has to accept that. I think you can play him sympathetically, sure, but ultimately he's still a stereotypical bad guy.

And Amanda's right: Shylock is the bad guy, inasmuch as the play is structured to have one. (You can make a pretty strong argument how capitalism itself is the "bad guy" of the play, because the Duke of Venice refuses to break the contract between Antonio and Shylock since it'd harm Venice's status as an economic centre.)  But the discussion of whether Merchant is racist or not isn't particularly interesting to me in and of itself - what is worth noting in the whole discussion is Amanda's comments thread, which immediately became polarized.

There's a neat trick characters in Renaissance history plays like to do where they get their enemies to forswear themselves and inadvertently order their own deaths.  This is how Richard III manages to kill Hastings, and how Henry V traps a handful of traitorous earls and dukes who are about to sell England out to the frogs. 

"What do you think of people who do X?" asks the man with the executioner on retainer.

"Oh, they should be beheaded," says the soon-to-be-convertible Lord Something-or-Other.

"Aha! Well, I know that you do X!" shrieks the King.  "Off with his head!"

It's the classic version of "do you still beat your wife?" - no matter how you respond, you're still fucked. 

And so it is with any discussion of Merchant, where if you point out that calling the play "racist" is anachronistic, you get some kind of "how DARE YOU try to excuse it" business before you can even say "hermeneutics". 

"Nortcliff" asks, "Shakespeare's Racism"?????   How can you apply a 20th century term to somebody born 400 years earlier?  and within three posts there's the following indignant response from "R Mildred":

Yes, something only exists once it's been given terminology.

That's like saying trees didn't exist before people invented the word "tree".

And anti-Semites sprung fully formed from hitler's brow.

Others responding to these sorts of comments immediately swing in the other direction, using the tried-and-true method of Bardolotry always employed by somebody within thirty seconds of all discussion of Willy: "Yes, he was the product of his time, but he is FOR ALL TIME...he is the GREATEST writer ever...me and Shakey hotluv4Evah!"

I think that we can't apply 20th Century Definition on Shakespeare. Yes, it was sexist, and yes it was racist: on how we know them to be.

But, I would argue that Shakespeare was progressive FOR HIS TIME. Females were given strong roles and minorities were actually shown as sympathetic and allowed on stage.

That's better than what else was being shown at the time.

"Ahem" pipes in in a similar vein, claiming that the brilliantly Machiavellian and equally sympathetic "bad guy" Jew Barabas is inferior to Shylock, presumably because he had the misfortune of being written by Kit "Homo" Marlowe instead of William "Best. Writer. Ever." Shakespeare.

And so on.  At this point whether Merchant is racist or not is irrelevant, the conversation deteriorating to just a pissing contest where people can spout off odd tidbits they recall from ENG 152, "Shakespeare for our Time" or that PBS special by Michael Wood, all the while claiming how much they LOVE him. 

And what it really comes down to is that it just doesn't matter.   Shakespeare is just another thing to like or dislike, condemn or praise at whim, like MacDonald's or the ballet or the Gap or vegetarianism.  Liking, disliking, praising and condemning these things all come with a socio-cultural cache of meanings that give us each a way to signify our selves to others.  "I don't eat at MacDonald's" often means something else, something like "I think about the environment more than YOU," or "I have a crush on Morgan Spurlock and I obey him in everything in the hopes that one day he will love me back." 

Likewise, since Shakespeare is the major signifier of "culture" to the Western world,  admitting a familiarity with his works is shorthand for "I am smart and read things that are difficult.  You should pay attention to me."  Citing - and identifying - a reference to Shakespeare's plays (we tend to forget about his nondramatic writings, unless they're sonnet 116) is a quick and easy way to demonstrate somebody's level of education - this is why the Star Trek franchise has repeatedly laboured to infuse Shakespeare in episode after episode.  It's also why almost all cultures have attempted to "appropriate" Shakespeare for themselves.  Even the most violent of Trek villains claim that "Shakespeare sounds better in the original Klingon".

Think about the way the word "Shakespeare" operates, as both an identifier of the writer and his writing  - "I was reading some Shakespeare."  We've commodified "the Bard" (note the definitive article) to the point where his visage sells t-shirts and mousepads and even an action figure.  Shakespeare signifies a lot more as an icon than he ever could as a mere playwright, even "the best" one that "ever lived", so it's no surprise that people feel so invested in his condemnation or defense.

It just surprises me, though, that anybody would care what I have to say about all this.  You know, now that I'm the big "expert".

*  I know that I've just spent a post saying that I don't know anything, and I don't, but this popular fiction of the stupidity/racism/closemindedness of Shakespeare's groundlings is a myth.  If you would like to debate this, please read Alfred Harbage or Andrew Gurr or Ann Jennalie Cook and get back to me.  But be forewarned that you can't trust anything Ben Jonson said about Jacobean audiences because he was a big whiny baby, as were most of the other playwrights of the era, for whom fratching about their audiences was like the Canadian obsession with bitching about the windchill.  It was a way to bond and not say anything.

To Adam, aged 12

Adam,

Because you're my brother and I love you, I'm going to tell you something important. 

IF YOU FORWARD ME CRAP, I WILL BEAT YOU WITH A STICK.

Whenever you get one of those stupid emails that say "OMIGOD this is TRUE!!!" - it isn't.  EVER.

Microsoft is not thinking about getting rid of MSN Messenger.  Nobody sticks needles under pay phones. Nobody's giving away free IPODs if you click something, and there's no way to track forwarded emails.  Chain letters are garbage designed to annoy people.  It's called spam, Adam, and you're making the internet a sea of garbage.  This is email litter.  Cut it out.

If somebody sends you a forward, and you want to believe it is true, go to snopes.  This is a website that looks into these sorts of stupid things, and finds out whether they are true or not.

This bullshit you've sent me, is, for example, NOT TRUE.  If you look into it, you will discover that it IS true of Yahoo's "Peer-to-Peer" program, which is similar to MSN.  Some stupid idiot in England LIED and pretended it is true of MSN, and has managed to convince you and about a million other people who are either too dumb or lazy to look into it and just signed an email petition (which is meaningless, by the way) and forwarded it to everyone they know, pissing a lot of people off.  Cut it out.

Honestly - you don't want to piss me off.  I'm way older than you, and I can buy alcohol.  Think about it. 

Sarah

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I read: codex

  • Hugh Maclean: Ben Jonson and the cavalier poets;: Authoritative texts, criticism (A Norton critical edition)
    My love for the Norton Critical Edition knows no bounds of decorum, what with the footnotes handily dangling at the bottom of the page, the effective but not-excessive use of white space and the pages and pages of charming formalist criticism handily excerpted for one's edifying pleasure, and this fine specimen is not only crammed with the verses of Carew and Herrick and Shirley and Waller and Suckling, but the Benniest of Bens himself. Aaaaaah.
  • Margaret Atwood: Strange Things : The Malevolent North in Canadian Literature  (Clarendon Lectures in English Literature)

    Margaret Atwood: Strange Things : The Malevolent North in Canadian Literature (Clarendon Lectures in English Literature)
    Right to the frosty tips of my Maritime 'burg nestles the omnipresent appreciation of all things Canadian - lest not forget, 'natch, that this is Lower Canada, first founded, settled by those who settled and therefore most appropriate dwelling-place for some serious CanLitticism on a chilly eve - a hunger best feasted with the reigning Empress of post-Dominion Culture, here her own splendid Wendigo-fed self most engaging with a bemused discussion of the particular neuroses provoked by our frozen mythoscape that are so lovingly delineated by myriad earnest PhD dissertations from sea to sea to sea.

  • Candace Savage: Crows : Encounters with the Wise Guys

    Candace Savage: Crows : Encounters with the Wise Guys
    Seduced by the caw of the wild that blankets the UNB campus with a murderous cacophany of harbingers of death at the same time every fall, I put this on my Chrismas list hoping for some new insight into these amazing creatures that mimic human speech and modified tool use - instead, I found surprizingly mediocre musings on evolutionary biology from an unqualified, underresearching hack writer made bearable only by a bevy of lovely photographs and images of our witty black-feathered bretheren.

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