"No comment" is just another way to admit that you can't think of anything pithy to say

Off to class, so here's a minor outerage (Middle English spelling: pronounced "ooot-er-age") to start the day.

As we all know, the Life sections of magazines are the ones that women read, because women don't like news.  What women like, it seems, are anecdotal, emotionally-charged, first-person accounts about shopping, or baby-ass wiping, or gardening or perhaps going on a long walk.  I find nothing wrong with any of this, except when article after article seems to insidiously chip away at notions of, oh, I don't know, anything other than female insipidity during a morning perusal of the internets. 

But I digress.  What really gets my ovaries in a twist when I'm sucking back my java and debating how close I can cut leaving the house and still find a way to get a donut on my way to school, is encountering tedious articles by women unsure if liking their husbands to work with hand tools means they're less of a feminist. 

I'm graduate-school trained.  Let's see if I can deconstruct this to its essentials.

For an effective Life article for women, one should start with an emotionally-charged anecdote of some loose relevance to the topic at hand.  Aha! Here's one conflating one's genuine grief for the tragic loss of a husband and father with the convenience of having somebody else take out the trash:

My husband's cousin Matthew died two years ago. He was commuting to work on his bicycle when he was hit by a car speeding through a turn. A few weeks ago his wife, Stacia, told me that one of the many things she missed about him was having a man in the house to fix a dripping faucet, put together an Ikea cabinet, change the batteries in the smoke detector. Matthew was killed the day before trash pickup, and that night the cans did not go out. The next week, as Stacia hauled out the heavy bins brimming with the detritus of a week's shiva -- paper plates, plastic cups, uncountable wads of damp tissue -- she realized that she was alone.

Check.

Next, we need a supercilious "But I always thought I was a feminist!" screech, detailing essential femin-isms with the smug assurances of those who declare "Black people love us!"  Bonus points for including requisite female guilt over motherhood - because, as we all know, feminism is fraught with all kinds of pitfalls for women who want to make grand use of that uterine apparatus.

I am an adamant feminist. It never occurred to me to take my husband's name when we married. I am a supporter of abortion rights, of equal pay for equal work, of the rights of women prisoners, of all the time-honored feminist causes, and then some. During the periods in my marriage when I chose to stay home with my kids rather than work as an attorney, it caused me no end of anxiety. Despite the fact that I knew I was contributing to our family by caring for our children, I still felt that my worth was less because I wasn't earning.

Check.

Next, we need some kind of "however" statement, a big "but" to go with the stresses of motherhood (women are notoriously hippy, don't forget - there's always a big but with every declaration of political position):

Even given all this, I haven't changed a light bulb in 13 years, since the day I met my husband.

Obviously, these two conditions are mutually exclusive: laziness and feminism.  Feminism, in case you hadn't heard, cannot be a latent system of political thought - it must be shrieked from the rooftops, carried in a water jug on your forehead, tattooed into your flesh, pushed uphill like Atlas and be constantly threatened by idiotic irrelevant equalizations about liking somebody else to take the garbage out.

Implicit message: that'll teach you to think, little lady.   Now get me my coffee and paper.  Daddy'll do the thinking for both of us now. 

Comments

[Josh]

What does it say about me that the first thing I thought about this was,

"Paper plates! Plastic cups! Wads of tissue! These people are ecocidal monsters, environmental reprobates!"

And then I thought, "It's Shiva, you bastard."

I have to change all the lightbulbs too, just because I'm taller. Complete strangers have asked me to change their lightbulbs. But if that lady would just get those long-lasting lightbulbs, she wouldn't have to worry about it so much.

[Josh]

See what I mean about complete strangers and lightbulbs? http://playingschool.blogspot.com/2005/06/in-dark.html

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No comment.

[Mr. Kong]

Sorry, that was in poor taste.

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I discovered this through Philobiblion's Friday Femmes Fatales feature (how's that for alliteration first thing in the morning?). The nomination was certainly well-deserved. Thank you! Toe-curlingly awful, squirmworthy, hair-tearingly irritating are such pieces, which do nothing but perpetuate the stereotypes (another brick in the wall of masculine domination, as you make clear in the final paragraph).

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